My turning point: Finding the writer in me

I follow Nova Ren Suma’s blog. She has a turning points series that makes me realize I am not alone. A lot of people have struggled to become the writers they are today. You can check them out at distraction no.99. Her turning points have been put on a hiatus while she is at a writer’s colony for a month, so I thought it would be a good time to write about my own turning point.

Just a dream

Writing to me is everything. When I was fifteen I began writing my first novel. I never finished it. Instead every year I would pull it out and add to it. Mostly I would end up rewriting the whole thing. I always wanted to be a writer, but I always thought writing my own books was just something I would dream about.

I pursued a degree in journalism. While I was in school I wrote for my college newspaper. I even worked my way into becoming the Assistant News Editor my final year. I could write news stories or opinion pieces no problem, but I secretly always wrote for myself. It was how I coped with my emotions. I would write poems, but I wouldn’t show them to any one. My creative writing was something I did just for me. I never planned to actually pursue a creative writing career. I thought I would become a journalist because that’s what I went to school for. I realized I didn’t want to write for a newspaper as a career. It didn’t make me happy.

Finding myself

Once I graduated, I was lost. I even went to culinary school thinking I wanted to became a food writer. It became more stressful emotionally and financially, so I quit. I no longer wanted to write about food. I felt like I was one step closer to figuring out what I wanted to do. I couldn’t get a job because I had no experience and I had no experience because I couldn’t get a job. One of my friends from college told me about a freelance writing opportunity for a local newspaper. I applied and a few weeks later I was called into an interview. I was excited when they offered me the job, but it didn’t take me long to realize I had thrown myself back into a career I didn’t really want for myself. On top of that I couldn’t afford to pay my bills with this job alone. I got to the point where I was working four jobs. I was depressed. I couldn’t picture a future for myself, and I was physically, emotionally, and financially drained. This wasn’t the life I wanted for myself.

Changes

I realized if I was going to ever be happy I had to decide to make the changes in my life. I quit my jobs and moved to Arizona to try to make a fresh start. I vigorously applied for all kinds of jobs. A month later I was offered a copy-writing position. It seemed like the perfect job. I worked 9-5 M-F and I had the weekends off. I told myself I was happy. This was what I wanted. It wasn’t.

I stared at a computer for eight hours a day, writing about boring topics. The money was good, which was nice since I have a lot of student loan payments. I felt like I was always struggling. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I was afraid I was going to lose this amazing job. Everyday I went home afraid that was going to be my last day. When I received my first review I wanted to cry. I knew I wasn’t going to last long at this company. This was my first real job and I was failing. I had never failed at anything. I even graduated a cum laude so this experience was new to me. The day they finally let me go, I thanked them for the opportunity and I walked out the door. I couldn’t even cry. I came home and I stared at the ceiling in my room trying to will the tears to come. I felt like a failure. I decided writing wasn’t for me. I thought I would never write again.

A light at the end of the tunnel

Losing this job was an eye-opener for me. While I am still ashamed that I failed at my first real job, I realize it was the best thing that could have happened for me. I knew I wasn’t happy there. Before I was fired I started dreading going into work every morning. I couldn’t see myself doing that job every day for the rest of my life.

During my month of unemployment I had time to reflect on everything. It just happened to be November and the beginning of NovWriMo. I pulled out my old novel. Tore it apart and began writing for myself again. This time I added my feelings into the situations. This time I finished the novel. I found my love for writing again.

That’s when I knew without a doubt it was time to try for my dream. I wanted to write my own book and this was the perfect time to try. I was young, single, and had nothing to hold me back. I am not a published author yet, but I hope to change that. I write and work everyday to reach my dreams. My struggles are far from over and there are still days I wake up afraid of the future, but there is no giving up this time. I have found who I am. I am a writer and I always will be.

Getting over Fear

As promised, this post is going to be about Fear. We all experience fear, but it’s how we deal with that fear that truly makes us who we are.

Last time I talked about Doubt and how its trying to hold me back. Well, Doubt is able to make me question everything, Fear has the ability to paralyze me if I let it. Fear of people not liking my book. Fear of never being published. Fear that my writing isn’t good enough. Here’s a little tip that I tell myself whenever Fear tries to get in my way: I remind myself that as of now all of these things could be true. I am not published and if I don’t try, I never will be. I won’t know if people like my book or writing if I don’t let them read it. My fears are irrational and I just have to keep telling myself that.

Sometimes, in order to push myself I will use my fear as a challenge. If I’m afraid of how someone will view my writing, I will give it to someone to read. I tell myself to keep going because I made it this far (i.e finishing the novel) so I might as well continue my editing. It is the only way I will know for sure if my writing is good enough.

It’s easy to let Fear take over and hold you back. I could give up on my writing right now and no one would be the wiser, except me. I am in that stage where I write for myself. I read a quote the other day that said, “Write what you want because no one cares.” I have this quote hanging on my wall as a reminder that I can do what I want. Now is the time to embrace my fear and just go for it because at this moment I have nothing to lose.

How do you get over your fear?